Maybe I give off the impression that I'm never happy ? or vise verse. Am I really happy ?

At the moment I've got no answers for those questions, yet at the same time I do. Get it? I'm sure you don't. That's how I'm feeling right now, scattered thoughts all over the place. I read an article yesterday that scientifically proves that too much free time may lead to high levels for stress. Maybe that's what I'm going through at the moment, or maybe yet its all in my head. It's not just free time that leads to stress, there are many factors that contribute into the process of making you stressful. As matter a fact I know all those factors & a person would think that if you know whats bothering you, you'd have the ability to change it. But its not a faulty light in a dark room where you change the bulb & the light is back on. Its not simple as that. This better not mess me up psychologically, & that it is only a phase. I thought phase doesn't last for more than a year. If it does then its called "There's something wrong with me'.

Are you happy? Me: Yes. Then I go ahead & think to myself, Am I really happy? the answer is no. I'm not happy & I'm not feeling good. I don't know if its boredom or a phase, feeling lonely or stressed. Thousands of thoughts running through my head right now. I know it isn't healthy to keep all that in my head. I lost 8 kilos in an short period of time with a total of 51 kilos left of me, just by thinking about silly & other serious matters. but what can a person do if your used to think about everything "where are we going" "where am I going to get that from" "I know I'd ask & get all those bad replies" "are those friends or are they bored & I was the only available option" "What would people say" even though I don't really care but you have too when your living in a society full of judgements etc. Double guessing every person in your life can put stressful strain on one's life "why do my parents act this why" "why would they say those hurtful words" "why couldn't this be easier" & why & why & why. Many questions & barely there are answers. If god is ignoring you what makes you think that a human would listen & help you. All that & shouldn't I be stressful? I have every right to be stressed if all that is going through my head over a year now. I promised myself to express full honestly in this blog & I'm sticking to my word. I feel that I can't do anything right now to change what I'm feeling. I feel not productive & unreliable. I hate not feeling that I'm in control of mostly every aspect of my life, I used to support myself & feel that I'm no Bordon on someone's life but now the complete opposite. I used to feel that I could achieve everything & do anything, but this doesn't mean that I don't feel it anymore. Just being able to control yourself has so much benefits to one's life, take that away & its like taking someone's freedom/life away. Its an unpleasant feeling hope no one goes through this. I think everyone can relate to this piece in on way or another. Its a complex process to squeeze your brain & try to put such big thoughts into words. I also know that this may sound as an obscure piece of writing but I wanted to put it out there. It may help & it might not, but if it does no good it does no harm. All this is just a rough 40% of what is going on just to make that clear.

Regardless of all that I've got some exciting positive aspects that happened to me recently, which kinda hold the last threads of the level of sanity left in me. I try & focus of that 8% of positive aspects but it holds nothing against the other 92% downfall issues. As we all say life goes on, we are waiting for salvation. & if your thinking about an advice, just keep it to yourself because at the end of the day your advice are words & not actions that might be more helpful. And now after this brief insight-fulness into how I've been feeling. Maybe I give off the impression that I'm never happy ? or vise verse. Am I really happy ? I guess the answer is clear, answer for yourself.

Love,

SA